Enneagram at Work
Welcome to Enneagram at Work, your Saturday leadership download. We're bringing you insights for your weekend so you're ready for Monday.
This is a podcast about understanding people at work and navigating professional relationships. We spend so much of our time at work, why not make it more enjoyable by working on creating more enjoyable relationships with our teammates?
Listen in each week to gain self-awareness, relationship management, leadership development, personal growth insights, and real-life application ideas through the lens of the Enneagram inside educational episodes and interview conversations.
Learn about bringing the Enneagram to your organization or group and view the current workshop menu at: enneagrammba.com
Enneagram at Work
200. Against, Towards, Withdraw: How We Move Through the World at Work
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Before we dive in: Most of our work at Enneagram MBA is rooted in the Awareness to Action model developed by Mario Sikora and team. But from time to time, we like to explore other Enneagram approaches and insights that come up in the workplace and coaching conversations. This is one of those episodes, so you may hear some differences from the ATA model we typically use.
In this week’s episode, D and I wrap up our three-part conversation on the Enneagram’s movement strategies: the compliant, assertive, and withdrawn ways we move through the world. These patterns influence how we lead, collaborate, and connect under stress and in safety, whether we lean toward others for belonging, push against for control, or pull away for clarity.
Together, we explore how each movement shows up at work, what it looks like in meetings, and how it impacts team relationships. You’ll hear us break down:
- The core logic of each strategy: If I align, I’m safe. If I take charge, I’m safe. If I retreat, I’m safe.
- What leadership strengths each brings, from empathy and reliability to bold vision and deep insight.
- The blind spots that can trip us up, like over-pleasing, control, or disconnection.
- How to apply this awareness in real life, using self-checks and reflection prompts to flex between all three strategies instead of staying stuck in one.
We also talk about the power of awareness in managing our instincts when “life gets loud,” how to communicate what you need before others misread it, and even how a “pineapple” code word or LED light system can help you hit pause before you hit conflict.
If you’ve ever wondered why some coworkers want to talk everything out while others disappear to think, or why your team clashes when deadlines hit, this episode can help you see those dynamics with more clarity, compassion, and choice.
Key Takeaways
- Each movement strategy serves a purpose. Compliant types seek connection, assertives create motion, and withdrawns bring meaning. We need all three for healthy collaboration.
- Awareness creates choice. Once you know your instinctive movement (toward, against, or away), you can flex as needed.
- Communicate your coping strategy. “I’m taking a day to think” can go a long way toward preventing misunderstandings.
- Reflection practice: Think of a recent workplace conflict. How did you move...toward, against, or away? What might a different movement have looked like?
Listener Challenge
Reflect on your go-to strategy this week.
- Where do you naturally thrive: connection, courage, or clarity?
- Which situations call for the opposite?
- How can you intentionally lead with one of the others when the moment calls for it?
Resources & Next Steps
- Bring this to your team: We’re already booking year-end closers and 2026 kickoffs. Explore workshop options at EnneagramMBA.com and invite us in to blend theory with your team’s real dynamics.
- Say hello / suggest a topic: enneagrammba.com/contact... I’d love to hear your 4/5/9 stories or questions for a follow-up on trust and the Enneagram.
- Book D as a speaker for your conference event: Check out potential topics here.
- Book Sarah as a speaker for your conference event: Check out details here.
You're listening to the Enneagram at Work Podcast, a show about understanding people at work, including yourself. I'm your host, Sarah Wallace, and I'm looking forward to diving into this week's episode with you.
SPEAKER_02All right, welcome back to another episode here on the Enneagram at Work Podcast. This is another one where we have our co-host, Demetrius D. Parker, joining us again for this conversation. Welcome, D.
SPEAKER_00Hello, hello, hello.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Um, what are we talking about in this episode? What are we getting into?
SPEAKER_00Well, yeah, well, I mean, over the past few episodes, we've been unpacking the three movement strategies, right, in the Enneagram. So the compliant, the assertive, and the withdrawn. And so today we're bringing it all home. So what we're doing is we're connecting the dots between how each of us move through the world and towards each other, against each other, and away from each other. Um and so with that, uh, we're gonna be looking at just you know, some of our leadership, relationships, and growth. So yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And I think I think this is really um, I think this is really helpful to think about. It's always been a good kind of visual for me when I'm thinking about like meeting dynamics, for example, or um like you know, different communication styles. Um, I think about when I think about this concept. And um, so it'll be interesting what our listeners, how they can kind of see it showing up. But the that's what comes up for me in like, okay, how do how do I kind of think or apply these this concept? So, okay, so there's there's three. And um let's let's talk about um whenever we say kind of the movement, it it sounds like it's a response to stress, how you how you want to um, how you go about belonging, feeling included, how you go about kind of um maybe asserting your identity or curating that identity. And so our compliant types, we've talked about them as the one, the two, and the six, sometimes called the dutiful, um, really focused on the group cohesion, they have a tendency for movement towards one another. Like if I align, I'm safe.
SPEAKER_00I'm safe. Yep, yep.
SPEAKER_02Okay. All right. What about the assertive? What's the movement on that one?
SPEAKER_00So I'll sort of about three, sevens and eights. Uh, I would say more so that movement is usually against, right? So if I take charge, I'm safe. And so, you know, yeah, that's that's what that looks like.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and um, if you have anything to add to this, please do. But we we had a conversation or I had a conversation recently about um how this kind of shows up very differently for a seven versus an eight, but it's kind of the same. And we talked about, and I think we might have talked about it on here, um, that taking charge, I think a lot of times we have an idea of what that is, but it it can look different. For example, the seven sometimes has a like a more softer rebellion. Um, and and that might be like, oh, if I make friends with my manager, take charge, I'm safe. Whereas an eight, it might be a little bit more direct, kind of assertive, that assertive that we're thinking about. Um, so just just as we go through these, there's different ways that that taking charge or aligning uh will express itself.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah. Well, I I love you bring that up because you know that's one of my things. Uh there's always more than one way.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00Right. And you know, that's a big a big thing for me is like it's not just the way, it's a way.
SPEAKER_02So a way. I love that. Um and then withdrawn.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So the middle, uh for for those folks, typically it's move away, right? So if I retreat, I'm safe. And that retreating can be, you know, actually literally retreating from the space, and what a lot of times is retreating inwards, right? And so just kind of either going and into my head and thinking, or whatever that may look like. So moving away is typically that movement, what that dance looks like.
SPEAKER_02And I think for this type, and it's I I don't think it always comes natural, but this withdrawing can sometimes feel like avoiding or dismissing the other person. And so by all means, do what you have to do to get your needs met, to you know, manage stress, whatever. Um, but I think for this type too, it's worth saying maybe just a little note communicating kind of what you're doing. So it maybe isn't experienced as a dismissive thing or an avoidant thing to your teammate. So, like, you know, hey D, um, I'm gonna need, I'm gonna need a day to process this. Like, I'm gonna get back to you. Um, but I I I I gotta I need some time. So even just something like that, um, you can withdraw, but just kind of let let people know what you're doing um when it makes sense.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, no, for sure. Actually, you know what? That's brings up maybe some asking this question. So when life gets loud, what's your instinct, right? And I'm I'm giving that to our audience. When life gets loud, what's your instinct? And you know, do you lean in, do you push through, do you pull back? So ask yourselves what does that look like for you? Because it would be good for us to know, right? That having that awareness to understand, like, ooh, this is typically what I do, and how does that affect other people when you do it?
SPEAKER_02Does that look like yes? Okay, so I just listened to a Brene Brown podcast this morning. She was a guest on one of the shows, and she was talking about um, what sort of armor do you put on when you're stressed? And um, she specifically talked about kind of the avoidant, the ignoring, pretend it's not happening. And then she said her style is more of this, I'll take charge. And I start becoming like overly uh decisive. And I'm like, cut it, stop it, let's move, pivot. And so, and she's like, my team says they don't write anything down when I'm in that that mode. Um, but that's so helpful for her to know and for the people around her to know, oh, okay, this is the life's getting loud, or she's putting on armor that he's feeling stressed. Okay. Um, so that is a really good question to reflect on.
SPEAKER_00I just I just had a client today, and almost the same exact thing, that's that's exactly what they do when they get stressed. They're like, all right, well, here's what we're doing, here's how I'm doing. Okay, well, I mean, that's again, that's a way. Okay, yes. Let's let's look at some other ways.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00So yeah.
SPEAKER_02It's like, okay. Something's going on here. We'll just let you know, let them have that moment, but yeah, just this know. Um, you know, as we were preparing this, there was a metaphor that you had shared for kind of how to think about um how each of these kind of that movement towards, against, or away show up that I just really loved. And so just to kind of build on the visual that we have with these is that if we think about this compliant energy, kind of flowing with others. So it's the the current in a river, just kind of flowing with everybody else. You're you're meeting up, matching, sinking up, and then the assertive visual is this whitewater rapid river, um, where you're carving a new path. Yeah. And I love that. Yeah. And so it's like, okay, you know, it's a little rough, a little rocky, um, but you're you're making new things happen. Um, and then the withdrawn visual was or metaphor, I guess, is a still pond where you're maybe gonna pull back a bit and and reflect and bring in some depth um to to that withdrawing. And I just I thought that was such a good way to to remember it if you need some additional um kind of reminders of what each one is.
SPEAKER_00Well, well, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, no, I it's it's funny. I I find myself using water and nature a lot in my analogies. Um so yeah, I'm glad you liked it. Thank you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, there's so many good ones um with nature. Um, but yeah, I love that one. Um, okay, so let's let's talk about um some of the the strengths of having this be your go-to approach. And as we always say, and I I think it's important to say here, but not a surprise, is that you're gonna do all of these at some point, most likely. But there, like with our dominant Enneagram type, there's gonna be one that probably is your go-to. So, you know, what you can you probably will see yourself in all of these, but for our compliance strategies, would you walk us through um what are some of the strengths, the blind spots, and what should these types consider for continuing their professional personal development path?
SPEAKER_00Sure, sure. And it's funny, you just you just you just lean into your your one space there a little bit with your shoulds. Um, but okay.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I did with your shoulds.
SPEAKER_00Um, but what they could do, yes.
SPEAKER_02What they could do, what they could do.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, no, best uh compliant, the one, two, six. So strengths, right? And of course, there's so many strengths, but some of the ones I want to highlight in that space is empathy, uh, reliability, structure. For me, those are core strengths when with that compliant space. Um and when we think about shadow, um, I would say over pleasing fear of disapproval would be the ones that come up for me. Uh, just looking at that. And then you know, something they could do is learn to trust the inner authority. You a lot of times you understand what it is that you need to do, you know where you want to go, but that fear of disapproval gets in the way so many times, I feel, with these folks that they don't actually move forward on some of the things that would actually probably serve them if they did. And so those are the things that I uh typically look at in that space.
SPEAKER_02What does what do you see? Like, what does that look like for let's say a one versus maybe a six?
SPEAKER_00Good question, question. So I would probably say so ones. So if you think about as I just teached you a few minutes ago about the shoots.
SPEAKER_02Um which let me just tell you, I'm working through in therapy as we speak. So you know, fresh, it's fresh on my mind. Thanks for holding me accountable.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah, yeah. That's hey, I'm your accountability buddy. Oh yeah. Oh so with that, going back to your question, I would say so. For ones, again, looking at that space where they are coming from that uh what I call it, the absolutes, uh, and what that looks like. And so them doing that and coming from this fear disapproval. So I think sometimes I feel like they as you talk about leaning to authority. I think for them actually they can lean into the authority almost too much to the point where it is the absolute, or you should do this, or you should have you shouldn't have done X, right? Uh that should like this, so look like this. So I'm glad you asked that question because I think when I think about that, leaning into that trust. I think for ones that lean into the trust is the trust that it's okay not to feel like you have the answer. It's okay to be like, oh I don't know. Or I'm not sure. Versus to me leaning into that that authority so much that it becomes the absolute. Oh when the sixes that feel could be the exactly the opposite. The sixes of again they're not feeling secure, then it's one of those things which is almost shutting down because they're not sure and they don't know, and it is that that space of do I feel safe in this space right now, and that safety's not there, then as we talk about being withdrawn, um well, I think leaning into that withdrawn side of things versus being compliant, if that makes sense.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. Um I think that yeah, that's a good way to think about that. Um and I I as you were talking too, I was just kind of thinking, like, gosh, um depending on what your type is, I think it might also be interesting to just just reflect on if a one or a two or six happen to be one of your resource points, potentially you notice where you're you stressed. Cause I'm thinking, yeah, when I am not in a great place, definitely like I, you know, and sevens can't, I don't think they we talk about it a lot, but we also have like we want to be people we're we're people pleasing as well. Um and um fear of you know, disapproval, we want everybody to be okay. And so just thinking like, oh, what is yeah, when I'm stressed, like I I can identify with some of the the blind spots and the growth opportunities for the this uh category, the one, two, six, because of that. So just you know, if you have a one, two, or six in in uh your path, that might be also interesting to to consider. Um, okay, so the the other strategy are assertive types or threes or sevens or eights. Um those strengths, you know, going far, going fast, they have that drive, they have um tend to be very visionary, bold, decisive action, leap, and then that will appear kind of vibes. Um on the blind spot side, though, this this kind of um energy can have, and I'm thinking about like the Whitewater Rapids, it's like, well, there's not gonna be a lot of um patience here um when you're overusing this. Um, you might feel like you want to try and control something, a situation, another person that is just completely out of your control, like the Whitewater Rapids. And um, sometimes too, these types can be a little more image focused. Um, you know, what does this say about my reputation, my image? How well will our other people think? Um, and so some things to think about in this category as a 378 assertive group, um learning to I think a little similar to kind of what you said, learning to embrace vulnerability. Um, and I think that is the you know, releasing control of some of the the blind spots or the shadow side, um, allowing things to unfold as they will, opening up about you know what is really bothering you rather than just being mad, what's underneath that? Um, and that that is difficult. And so finding people, trusted people at work in your life, um, where you where you can have a little bit more of that vulnerability, I think is important. Anything you would add to that?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I I would add, I think the difference um in the vulnerability is not typically in the uh knowledge space of what I know or what I feel or think I know. I think that vulnerability for for those three uh styles is more so the vulnerability and the emotions. Um and so being able to tap into that and wherever that may be, whether it's you know I I am sad or um they did hurt my feelings, or any of those things, those that I feel can be a challenge for for those three.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, or just like I'm having a hard day. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00I'm not in a good space.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I'm not in a good place right now.
SPEAKER_00And I would tell you as as a three, that's a lot of times that is that is hard for me at times. Um because I want to be. And it's interesting because when you're not and then you're trying to force yourself to be, it it's it's very obvious. It is so obvious.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, so just owning that. Yeah, that's right.
SPEAKER_02Um, okay, what about for our withdrawn types? The strength, blind spots, opportunities for growth.
SPEAKER_00So what I love about 459 is insight, authenticity, the calmness that comes, which you know, kind of that space actually gave me that calmness, gave me the visual for the pond. Oh so I think that's definitely the the plus side. You know, when we think about the challenges, uh, I would say the disconnection and the inertia. Um, just what was that movie failing to launch?
SPEAKER_02Um yeah.
SPEAKER_00It just just not happening, yeah. Um is what I see there. And then um what I would share as a as I guess uh a gift would be learn to learn to reengage and to share the inner world. And I think you touched on that earlier, which is you know, sharing, like, hey, I need I need some time to step back. Um I need some time to think about this, I need and then come back, which I think is the other part of that. Is once you share what you need, which is great, then it's your responsibility to re-engage. And so I think that's the important gift that I would I would give to those three.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Um, I I don't know, I don't have one for the five and the nine, but we we were talking about um type fours last week, and there was um the biggest group of fours I've ever had, I think today, um, or or close to it. Um and we had talked about their tendency to kind of withdraw and internally process um emotions, how they're feeling. Um, and sure, like we're talking about here, that can lead to disconnection. You can lose momentum because you've withdrawn, you pulled inside, but or and it can also be such a gift for your connection and potentially collaboration with your team because you're able to pull that inner world and say, you know, I've gone through something similar, or I'm going through something similar. And so you can still kind of be inside withdrawn and all these emotions and thinking about things, while also when the time is right with the right person with the right situation, also kind of re-engage by sharing a personal story. Like I failed too, or I felt really sad that when that something similar happened to me. Um, and so that you know, that's a really natural way to to you know, quote unquote, re-engage, connect, um, and bridge that, you know, the coworkers on the outside with what's happening in your inner world.
SPEAKER_00It's interesting you say that because I I wonder as I think about some of my four peers that I've worked with and and some folks that I'm friends with, I wonder how they would react to what you just shared with that. Um the reason why I say that because I think sometimes they actually disapprove when people do. that like they're like don't don't like you're you're hijacking uh the emotion like let folks stay in their emotions and let them be in their space um and so although I think for you and I who and especially as and I don't want to I don't want to go down that road because we we talked about this before we did this of the instinctual biases but I think it's transmitters we'd love and it's assertive types I think we'd love to jump right in and then share you know oh I get it I understand or you know it's it's what I say but I think for those folks who are more that still pong it's like no if people have their steel water but to your point I think is trying to figure out if you're not gonna do it that way what can you do to re-engage in that space and I think what you were sharing was just hey here's an opportunity or here's a way right here's how we do it maybe you can borrow from that because the same thing as I borrow from them um on the other side of trying not to do that. I'm like ooh I want to share how I have that same thing but maybe it's not the right time for me to do it. So anyway it just made me think about I wonder how some of our Ford listeners are listening to that right now going I'm not gonna do that.
SPEAKER_02I'm not gonna do that yeah very interesting and and I tend to as you you know when you were saying you didn't really have anything toward five and nine nine as you talk about those paths of integration nine is a space where I can go to the times and I can definitely go into my my inner world when I'm you know I'm just like all right I'm disconnecting I'm done so yeah and it's it's not not not a good place for when I do it when it's supposed when I do it in that way um and then I have you know and then I've learned and that means now I'm responsible for re-engaging um and so yeah so just wanted uh yeah and and I think sometimes you know engaging might just be saying I need to disengage but you know clearly communicating it to somebody if they matter to you and if it the relationship is important so it doesn't feel like you know you're leaving them hanging. Since you brought up the instinctual biases let's let's just touch on it real quick because I um awareness to action this this is not awareness to action sanctioned I don't think um but but I do see some overlap. So when we talk about transmitting I mean I think that one so if you are a transmitting three it's like okay you're you're on the rapids like you know level five rapids or whatever I don't know how far it goes but it's like you got the transmitting which I see is more of the the white water creating a new path um and then you know on top of the eight but what what do you see as the other like as a navigator which which which energy do you see for the navigating and the um preserving yeah so kind of putting you on the spot yeah you yeah a little bit it's okay um I would probably say if I was using these metaphors I would probably say navigating is would probably be more the river more like river you know which you know that kind of going down slow getting to know you know just cruising on down so that's yeah that's what I would probably say for those for those folks which you know kind of leaves us with what? Yeah preserving more like the withdrawal kind of more maybe more thoughtful kind of thing so I don't you know it's it's maybe not like direct but um I think it's just like oh gosh when you have a double dose of the river or the rapids or the pond it's like okay I'm you know it's I'm gonna keep that in mind. But if you have the pond and the rapids well that's kind of an interesting push pull.
SPEAKER_00And again I don't think that we have any answers or any specific insight necessarily but just something to kind of reflect on for your own you know how you show up the challenges that you face the strengths that you you um give to the the team um just kind of kind of thinking about you know what's what's your recipe what's what what ingredients you got in there exactly and and what I would say to that is we we don't have anything to give you this episode because this episode is not supposed to be about that so right right right it's not it's not this episode maybe maybe maybe yeah maybe and the other thing I want to bring up with this because I know a lot of times when you're talking well when I say you but when we're talking about different styles and things like that I I get the question sometimes where some folks feel like oh then should I be this style or should I be more like almost feeling almost feeling almost like theirs is not as good as the other I I just want to point out that you know none of these are better or worse um strategies than the other. They're just different strategies for developing how we move throughout the world. So really want to point that part out of please don't ever and hopefully um from a personal standpoint I think I could probably speak for you as well that we're never coming across as though we are making one sound better than the other because that's not the case. They all have their strengths they all have their weaknesses they all have their goal they all have their shadow it's just different ways that we maneuver it throughout the world so just wanted to share that up yeah I think that's good.
SPEAKER_02And I and I really like the concept of I think Mario says this a lot that it the Enneagram is a problem resolution framework. And so it's like if everything is going perfect in your life, well then you know don't change anything don't you know keep keep on the path of the river, the pond or the the white water whatever but it's but it's when there's something going on a challenge internally a relationship um that this can help you kind of understand what what are the dynamics of this frustration or challenge. Why is it frustrating to you? Why is it frustrating to somebody else? And so this is just another kind of way another little lens to to look at that through so I think um as as we think about these concepts today just kind of reflecting on okay where where do I thrive how you know where where do I see myself living my best life on my A game and then what strategy kind of limits me? Where what what are those times what are those moments which which of these kind of limit me um I always like when we go ahead oh no I was just saying I I like that because it's everything you just shared just now I feel is that it's about awareness.
SPEAKER_00To your point if I'm aware then I can make choices if I'm not aware it's hard to do so so I love the fact that you just put that up and this is I just want to share that so sorry go for it go for it.
SPEAKER_02Well yeah I always love it when people agree with me. So um all right so the other the other thing that we're gonna touch on and again this isn't tried and true 100% of the time all the time but it's just some again some some things to reflect on is when we maybe match up some of these strategies where might there be some potential friction obviously there can be some really great um synergy they can work really well together um and when that's happening like just keep doing what you're doing but when something feels off here's maybe some things to dig into more or to consider. So we have um we have some kind of workplace co-worker relationship kind of matchups here. And the first one is where we have um somebody who is more of the compliant type so a one a two or a six um you know floating down that river um versus the assertive um navigating the White Roder Rapids. So we have one person wanting the consensus building everybody getting on the same page and then we have the other person who's wanting to jump into action and this is um this is like a a leadership versus like rest of the team dynamic that I often see because many times the leadership team is made up of a majority not all the time but in many many situations it is made up of heavy three heavy eight maybe maybe some ones in there maybe some sevens and so these people are you and and to be at that level sometimes you do have to make quick decisions um jump into action not get the consensus of the team but what I hear in surveys and in feedback from the rest of the team who a lot of sixes a lot of twos in there sprinkled in some ones is um gosh we feel like we're left behind or we're left out of these important decisions and we'd like to be able to contribute and it feels frustrating to not share our experience and to have these decisions made that are impacting us. So um this is one kind of like very specific real world scenario that I that I see where you have these two energies kind of coming together.
SPEAKER_00Well yeah I mean that if you think about that that's a recipe for friction. Uh-huh I mean it is and so and you do see it a lot I see it a lot in the work that I do and going in and you know I was just sharing about you know like a a client that I had earlier today and that's what's happening a lot is when they get into that you know being an assertive type they're coming in and and especially when stressed yeah yeah when stressed hard you know and again I I I at times I think it's not always about the what but it's the how. Mm-hmm and you probably heard me talk about you know that a lot which is yes you can be assertive but it gets to a point where the how almost feels more aggressive than assertive. Yeah and and oh and so you know and so in that space that's when that friction comes that's where folks start to feel like oh I think it's undervalued like why am I even here?
SPEAKER_02Why am I here? Yeah why why am I even here like why yeah why don't you just do it all yeah I'm just a cog just tell me what to do yeah yeah so yeah okay so what about what about almost what seems like polar opposites where you let's do the assertive and match it up with somebody who's more withdrawn what what what might be going on there like what clash might be happening a lot of breaks I mean seriously just straight up breaks shut down I'm done uh I have nothing to say um so yeah when the surface withdrawn that's what I see one you got one pushing and the other one disappearing like David Copperfield.
SPEAKER_00Um and so is therefore is that a trick that we all are going oh I'm amazed a trick where we're like no no no no no no no no come back come back come back come back and so with that you know I think about almost that same thing where you have leaders and even sometimes folks who aren't necessarily leaders but just the how folks show up in that assertive space and the fact that we can when in that assertive space we can move so quickly um that it does make people not pause but just stop you know what was that why and then disappear I'm done and so just just really being uh aware of that and if and on the other side of that because I'm just thinking about what we were saying earlier about one style not being better than the other style and then as I'm thinking as we're talking about assertive last time we talk about assertive styles it's almost like we're chastising assertive like don't don't don't do that but there's also so much gold in that assertive space. Oh yeah and so I I also want to share on the other side of that if you are the compliant or withdrawn if you operate in that style you're operating with assertive for everyone I think when we're working with people to the beauty of the awareness is we're then able to manage our expectations and so if folks can do that if they can come in understanding like you know what when they when they make quick decisions when they jump in when they start sharing um they're not doing it to a fit me it's not personal. It's not an attack it's not um that they're trying to be disrespectful it's the way that they operate and so if we can manage our expectations to know and be prepared that hey this may happen and then say okay when that happens here's how I I'm not going to disappear or I'm not gonna feel undervalued. You know I'm gonna stay in space right and and then I'm going to engage when I see the opportunity and maybe even stretch ourselves to say hey you know what in this moment I'm gonna say excuse me um can I can I please finish what I was saying or that was great. Yeah love that you added that however and I have more to add or you know and then or even thinking about so I did some improv right yes and and I love yes and so when you work with sort of folks and they jump in and be like yes and dot dot dot dot dot right and that that keeps you engaged that keeps everything going um and then later on you can have a conversation with you know that assertive style and say hey here here's how I felt in this meeting you know and then you can have those conversations and continue to build those relationships in that way.
SPEAKER_02Yeah so anyway I I just wanted I wanted to call that out I'm glad yeah I'm glad you did and I think I think the important thing with all of these is is when you can just almost like I mean let me know if you disagree or see this a different way but almost like overcommunicate like what you're doing. So like hey I I it might seem like I'm disappearing I just want you to know I'm not um I'm taking it in or I'm feeling stressed or this is like how I I'm coping with this particular particular situation. I'll come back to you or the other side is like someone like me might say listen I get really excited and it might be overwhelming. So just kind of let me know when it feels like drinking out of a water hose. I'm won't be offended. I know that I do this um and so it's like you you're still gonna do what you do you know um but just to like communicate about it I think can also help understand help the other person understand and what's going on. Two things of that I'm laughing because you said drinking out of a water hose and like no it's more like fire hydrant just more fire hydrant more like a fire hydrant water holes would be nice uh but it's more like a fire and the other thing was yes um you said you know we're gonna do what we could do and yes naturally that's true but the other part of being of the awareness is to try to have some actions to say oh am I doing that thing again um and I you know you know a lot of times I like to share some of the tools that my wife and I um that we use and so sometimes then again those spaces like we've come up with and I'm sure well I said therapist or I'm sure other folks have they have gone therapy probably have come up with these types of things but one of the things we do is we come up with uh kind of cold words when those things are happening it's like you know she says pineapple like okay right is pineapple like oh I'm doing my thing I'm doing that thing again like um but at the same time hopefully I can start you know the the work is for me to be able to yell pineapple in my head when I'm feeling myself doing that pineapple pineapple I need to I need to dial it back yeah so so yeah we are gonna be who we are because we're humans and at the same time as humans we evolve yeah and so yeah not resting not resting in that space I I call it we're in the bad if you know hey you know I'm gonna serve so yeah yeah well I am who I am yeah act accordingly yeah um you know real quick that what you said about the pineapple reminded me of this story I saw earlier this week where this guy said that uh his his wife has like LED lights around the garage and there's like 16 options or something and she has like an emotion or a situation for each of them and he's like it's so helpful because when I'm coming into the driveway I know what I'm getting and it's like if it's pink I'm gonna murder your son just like if it's red it's like I'm gonna murder you. It's like yellow great mood come on so you know you know what I think I'll get some LED lights. I've seen them where there's like 24 different colors. So you know just depending on the the range of situations um you you know consider that uh I thought oh my god genius um okay and then the last pairing where there might be some potential friction is with the withdrawn and then the compliance types and as we've talked you know one type has a tendency to need some space um and the other type might take that silence as you know personal uh they're pulling away so you know I'm thinking of like somebody who is a type two especially striving to feel connected when you're paired up with somebody who is withdrawing like that feels really you know uh unstable doesn't feel good like that's kind of going against that core logic that you have and so um just again I I think this is just reiterate the conversation especially with somebody like this hey it's not personal I just need an hour hey it's not it's not you I just I need to take this in and kind of check in with myself and I'll I'll have an answer for you tomorrow you know just kind of kind of communicate and then um on the other end of that as a as a two um one six potentially just you know not not taking it personal and just realizing that's what they need and it that's easier said than done of course because it's always I think we all have a tendency to be like what I do what I say what does this mean um but uh you know just okay I know that this person has a tendency to do this uh that's what they need I'm not gonna force them to talk it out hash it out tell me an answer right now I'm gonna say sure uh you know I'll respect that space um especially if you kind of have a a time frame uh that can help uh I don't know if you want to add anything to that well yeah no I I think what I would probably add is because you've kind of shared some of the strategy a few times and so when I hear it and I think a lot of us can use it no matter which one of these uh spaces we're in is I think you know four things pause notice what's going on name it reengage and I think that I think that will work for I don't want like I said earlier just research where I can pause and be like ooh let me pause let me notice what's going on so
SPEAKER_00things down, let me name it. And once I name it, then I can change it if it needs to be changed. And then I can reengage in the way that it's most appropriate for that for that time and that space.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So like I'm not I'm not disengaging. I'm processing.
SPEAKER_00Exactly.
SPEAKER_02Simple. Like okay got it.
SPEAKER_00And now everyone's you know everyone's at least knows.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I won't say everyone likes that, but at least everyone knows. And so as we move on with this I would say I'm gonna reiterate the goal is not to change your strategy. That's not the goal. The goal is to be able to flex all three um and understand what that looks like. And so um you know maturity is mining when to move forward right or when to move against or when to step away because sometimes it's better sometimes just to step away sometimes I'm like all right I'm I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna back up right now. So yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And I I I love um you have some additional kind of uh examples for these words as we think about you know we've talked about um moving towards against away assertive compliant withdrawn but I I also love what you have around um just different strengths to associate with each of these words so compliant you know that's that connection um it's really important to me and I'm I'm really good at building that I really care about that so um you know even it might be interesting like oh if I replaced the word compliant with connection like how does that change the meaning um assertive uh we have our carve new paths bring new ideas to life um we and we need that you know so lean more into that if that comes naturally and then potentially you know pick some of that up if that is an area you want to work on and then the last one is that withdrawn or you could think about it as I'm reflecting I'm I'm I'm going inward so that I can have clarity. Um versus impulsive yeah jumping into things with some clarity to the space and just really quickly because you're you might they kind of go wonky this for a bit when you talk about the assertive just a little okay you're you're good now but just in case um courage is what we're talking about with the assertive type like you know coming into those spaces and you know that's just think about that like when the assertives are working is because they are coming from a place of courage and yeah so and you know if we can bring it all together uh it's healthy collaboration yeah yeah we need a little bit of it all yeah which is what I think we're all shooting for is that how do we how do we work together um how do we really get things done in these spaces especially at work but I think also not personalized but yeah so what are some ways I know you have a list of ways that you share with um your teams and clients about how to start practicing some of this in real life yeah uh so one thing is self-check always starting with self um so you know where am I moving right now am I if I'm moving towards am I moving against am I moving away and then once I can answer that then my next question is why like why am I why am I going in that direction and right after that is this is it serving me to be moving in that direction so it's kind of my self-check thing um the other one is in uh an intentional pivot so as what does this moment need for me I love that like what does this moment need for me right now um because it's so easy for us to think about what we need from the other person I need you I need you versus what does the moment need for me right now am I bringing that because um I do this one reflection exercise in one of my workshops and I ask folks to reach out to people and then when they do I was like I want to use I statements about the relationship and it kind of goes like I want I would like to build a relationship with you and I was wondering what I could do to make that happen.
SPEAKER_00Great because I because what I've learned is sometimes when we have frictions with people we're really seeing their reaction to an action from them yeah right like like and so if we can understand and ask that question maybe it's really us that needs to change versus them because if we can change our initial action their reactions would be totally different. Yeah and so it would be a totally different you know interaction with that person.
SPEAKER_02So oh so you I love that I hope you know listeners definitely definitely write that one down that's a that's a good one that's a good one you want to take away sorry anyway yeah no no no no um and then you know I love mantras oh so connection courage and clarity choose one and lead with it and and when I say choose one I don't mean that one is better than the other all the time meaning sometimes in a moment which one do I need right now yeah do I need to be leading with connection do I need to be leading with courage do I need to be leading with clarity and then once you make that decision lead with it like own it grab it own it and then move forward yeah yeah so yeah because it's it's so easy because well we do we have that strategy that we pull out that we've used most of the time it's that and that's the what makes us like the the type the type it's like because that's our go-to strategy but that may not be the necessary strategy or the most effective strategy with that particular person in front of you or in that particular situation. So I love the just like the pause to your point earlier just the pause and it's like what yeah what what what what do I need to do right here um there's also a specific exercise for listeners to to kind of start to use this um and reflect on something real that happened with you. I mean ideally at work uh this is an Enneagram at work podcast but if you want to use it with somebody at home that's also great and and think back and there's there's there's probably at least one challenge or you know moment of friction that you had with a person or a group of people and just kind of think about okay how was I moving in that situation um you know against towards away um how could you have tried another strategy like what what would that actually look like um if you said you know against uh aka courage uh what what exactly would that have looked like um and if you if you played that out what what might have changed what might have changed and so I do think um these reflection exercises are really helpful because I think I think sometimes some of this especially in an intense emotional moment it's hard to be like okay pause you know and so you can do it especially as the more you practice and um I love the idea of kind of planning for the future hey this is where we might bump heads and going back and having um repair conversations and thinking like what went wrong rather than just like okay we're over it next um so I I love this little mini challenge for our listeners.
SPEAKER_00Yeah no I um I'm loving it and I love thinking about that space of oh I guess I'll just share so one of my one of my stretches is in parties and things like that to tamper down my energy of you know wanting to share all the things and truly trying to be there and asking more questions and listening more. Um and so it's very interesting to do that and and to see folks who know me and sometimes I go are you okay like you were kind of quiet and you're like yeah it was intentional.
SPEAKER_02I'm channeling my inner pond exactly right but but the people who don't um well not even like well pond I don't know about I'm teasing but yeah yeah yeah no no I'm thinking it's probably more like river because I you know okay okay it has to be some flow uh gonna be some flow it's hard for me to pawn pawn is I mean I I can get there but that is probably not my it's not my next level action uh huh my next acting was probably more river um so that there's still action um but even that it's it's uh to your point it's a really good exercise um to do and then having you know a partner or someone that you can say hey but here's where is my intention in this next space let me know how I did let me know I love that yeah this is what I want to work on is my intention like so find that and you know I joked earlier about the accountability buddy uh huh you know find that accountability buddy and be like hey here's what I'm here's what I'm working on and let me know how I'm doing and what that looks like oh yeah so anyway yes okay so to recap uh we have just kind of a little reminder for each of these our compliant brings connection our assertive strategy that energy brings motion our withdrawing strategy brings meaning I think they're they're gonna really like that um and and together when we put all these together they really do kind of complete this circle of of human experience like we we need all of these connection motion meaning um and so I I love I love those words I love to like think about which which is my go-to and and what does this moment need. And I think you had said when we not you know rank these better or worse uh it but when we really appreciate each one for the strengths that they bring um we can stop feeling like oh they're better we're competing and and start complimenting complimenting over competing um so what what else would you add to to kind of help us wrap this up and make this one feel complete yeah no no I thanks yeah and I I'm I'm leaning to my one of the right now so it's you know um just this being in that space of saying you know when we honor all three strategies right we do stop competing and we start complaining each other oh and it reminds me of the that quote came for me and um um I'm a Jerry Maguire fan so oh yeah oh yeah I've been a little vulnerable right now okay do it oh but yeah but that that whole line when he came in and says you complete me I think when we stop competing with each other we can complete each other because to your point about the human you know the human experience and that circle of the human experience we are all put on this planet for a reason um and once we learn how to work with one another versus against our task is going to be so much more easier to complete and we see this in our workspace we see this in our personal lives and so if you know if we can really lean into that and and really stop stop working against each other and start learning how to work with each other in collaboration um and co-creation I think that's that's when we're gonna see the magic happen. I love it. So uh as we complete call this episode complete um we've we've given you a couple of exercises things to reflect on and so we'll just kind of reiterate to think about which one of these you are leading with right now and um if you already know your type this might be easier if you're still kind of in between types that this could could be clarifying um but at least thinking about which which movement which strategy you're currently leading with and um I I like this kind of how do you plan to integrate or how do you plan to use it intentionally um in the next week or you know whatever whatever you got but some sometime soon pick something in the near future and how how can you use it love it.
SPEAKER_00Hi family well until next time stay curious stay connected keep growing I was gonna say and stay courageous in there.
SPEAKER_02All right thanks for being here we'll see you soon
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