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Welcome to the Enneagram MBA Podcast, a show for aspiring and growing entrepreneurs and unfulfilled employees who know they are capable of playing bigger. If you are wanting to identify your gifts, find your purpose, do work that matters, and create a ripple effect that goes beyond yourself, you're in the right place. Each week you'll get resources, strategies, and support to help you get to know yourself, to get to know and understand others, like your future clients, and help you get known so that you can reach more people with your gifts and purpose. So grab your notebook or open up your notes app, and I will see you in class. When I first started learning about the Enneagram, it's fun to, you know, dive deep into your type, but one of the most impactful things was actually about a grouping on the Enneagram that has to do with how you deal with conflict, how you defend against the loss, pain, and disappointment that you might feel when you don't get your way. And on the Enneagram, there are three categories kind of that have three types in each category that describe kind of your go-to strategy in these conflict types of situations. So for the Enneagram nerds out there, this is called the harmonic triads that we're going to get into today. I typically will refer to it as your conflict style. And this was a topic that we went through over in the CEO workshop last week, and was one of the foundational pieces for understanding your CEO style, your leadership style is how you approach conflict, how you handle when things don't go your way, because they inevitably will not always go your way. And so this is going to be really helpful in these professional business settings. And then I will also say this is going to be a huge light bulb moment, possibly, for you in your personal relationships as well, when you can start to identify, even if you don't know your Enneagram type yet, what conflict style might be your go-to. And then thinking about the important people in your life who you tend to have conflict with and these recurring issues that probably keep coming up because of the differences that you have in your styles. I think it'll be really interesting as well. And as we go through this too, you know, don't feel like, well, I must not be a type five because I do sometimes get emotional. And fives tend to be in a category that that doesn't have a lot of emotion, emotional response. But we have, we're gonna have parts of these, we're gonna react to situations at different times in our life. If we're in stress, that also is um, and I'll get more into this too. But as a reminder, our type, we have a dominant type, and then we have a growth arrow and we have a stress arrow. And so we might actually be picking up the tendencies, the conflict style of our stress arrow in those situations. So there's the all three of these are going to show up, but there's gonna be one typically that is kind of the go-to energy that we bring to these conflicts. And by understanding that, um, you can start to watch yourself in the moment, kind of be the observer of your thoughts, of your feelings. And it might, it's gonna take a while to make a shift and catch yourself in these moments when you need to make a shift, because there's nothing wrong with the particular style. The problem is, is when we use it on default, when we use it for everything. So it's like in every situation, we're gonna use this one conflict style. And it might work great in a certain situation, and then it may be terrible in another. And so understanding the different ways that we can use the conflict styles, um, what they are, what ours tends to be, catch ourselves when we notice ourselves using it in not the most effective situation, and then choose intentionally to pick up another tool and use that in that situation. Now, conflict is very intense. There's you're not always thinking rationally. So I get that that might sound easier than it actually is. It's something I'm still working on. I probably always will be working on this. Um, but you can at least start to get even just a little bit, you know, even just a little bit more effective with your communication style. So they don't lead to that intense conflict. So we'll let's let's get into it without further ado. So um we talked about there's three groups in this conflict style grouping. And the first group that we'll cover is what I always refer to in layman's terms as the data, not drama group. Our type ones, the the improver, the perfectionists are type three, the achiever, the role model, and then our type five, the observer, the expert are in this grouping. It's also known as the competence triad. And they have their go-to response to conflict is with rational thinking. So they're gonna say, they're gonna get into an argument and they're gonna think, okay, show me the data. Don't give me this drama. I don't have time for the drama. I want to see the data. I'm sure that there is a rational solution that we can come to. And they'll tend to see emotions as getting in the way, preventing an objective solution, clouding people's judgments. And so they are going to expect themselves and they're going to expect others to put feelings aside in order to solve the problems, like sensible, rational, logical adults. And yes, there's a lot of benefit to that, right? So our type ones are going to come at this thinking, listen, I'm sure that we can solve this like sensible, mature adults. And so in a situation, they are going to prioritize being correct and then meeting or succeeding standards and improving in a situation. Then our type threes, who are known for their goal setting, their efficiency, is going to typically think, listen, I'm sure there's an efficient way to solve this. We just need to get to work. And so they are going to prioritize solving this with efficiency and practicality and being very pragmatic. And then our type fives are going to think, listen, there probably are several things that we need to take into consideration here. Just give me some time to think about this and I'll get back to you. And we'll talk about this in the future, but our type fives are in this withdrawn stance. And those fours, fives, and nines in this stance tend to be a little bit slower of processors. Not that it's bad or good, not that it's right or wrong. They just tend to need more time to digest the information to know what's going on. So that's how you're going to see kind of that data plus the need to process and think about things show up for a type five specifically. Um, they're gonna focus on the objective facts and rational information, and probably more so than any of these three, um, detach emotionally. And before I go any further, I meant to say this at the beginning, but I did have three different resources that I referenced for this presentation, particularly this part, that I want to give credit to before I go on. One is the book, The Art of Typing: Powerful Tools for the Enneagram Typing by Ginger Lapid Bagda. The second one is The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and um Russ Hudson. And then also the Enneagram University materials put together by Christy Rolls, a full and free Enneagram. So you can imagine um when you're in some sort of conflict situation with this type, yes, it could get resolved in a really um productive, efficient way. However, if you're having this conflict with one of these other types, specifically the next one that we'll get into in just a minute, start to pay attention and I'm sure you'll you'll get like why this situation could get even more intense and ugly before it gets better based on the different conflict styles. So the next style we have is our intensity grouping. And um Enneagram Lingo will call this the emotional reactivity group. And this is where our type fours and our type sixes and our type eights are gonna be. Um, they're gonna have a tendency to respond to conflict and difficult situations through some sort of emotional reaction, whether that be fear is the emotion or anxiety or sadness or anger, whatever the feeling is, they're going to, it's gonna be a struggle to contain the feeling. And so they're gonna feel this really strong urge to need to vent. And as they're venting, they also have this expectation that others, whoever it is that they're venting to, is going to see the problem as big as they do. And then they're gonna want that person or that those people to have an equally emotional response to whatever's going on to whatever the problem is. So these people are gonna have very strong opinions and then they're going to want to share those opinions and where they stand with others. And so our type fours are going to come to this, to these situations, potentially with this, with this thought of like, I feel really hurt and I need to express myself. Like, I'm really upset about this, I'm sad about this, and I need I need to express it. The type six is going to come to this situation, and they might be thinking, I have a lot of anxiety, I'm really worried about this situation, um, I'm feeling pressured to maybe do something I don't think is right, and I've got to let off some steam. And then our type eight, who potentially is the most in touch with their anger, um, might come to the situation and think, I am really angry about this, and you are going to hear about it. Somebody's gonna hear about it. So each of us, each of these um types have kind of a go-to emotional response in general. And so in conflict, that gets triggered and the intensity just gets there, and that's going to be their go-to response. And so, again, neither one is right or wrong, but as you know, just based on the two that we've covered so far, you can see how it can get a little tricky when you have somebody who wants who has a very strong emotional reaction about something and needs to get something off their chest, um, might bring that to somebody who's thinking, show me the data, don't give me the drama. And the conflict is just intensified that much more because they're they're communicating on different levels. And you know, there is very much a place for this strong emotional reaction. It's it's not, you're not being overly emotional, you're not being overly sensitive, you're not, you know, overreacting. Um, it's it's like you feel this, you feel this strongly, and you need to get it out. You want something to be done, and that emotion um is what causes people to pay attention sometimes. It's what causes people to take action. They see you're serious, they hear you, they see you. So that emotion is absolutely necessary. Um, and then just like we were talking about with the first type, though, there are situations where that may not be the best tool on your tool belt for a conflict situation. So with that in mind, our last grouping is the positive outlook group here. And they are our type twos, type sevens, and type nines. And they're going to have a tendency to put on rose-colored glasses and drink that glass half full and deal with conflict and difficult situations situations by putting on a positive attitude and reframing that's something um that the all three of these will be great at is reframing disappointment in some positive way. So sevens do this a lot because they are they don't want to have to deal with negative emotions. So they are excellent reframers and really um twos and sevens in in this situation are as well, where where our type twos being the helper will come to a situation like this and think, you know what, you have a problem, but but don't worry, I'm here, I'm here to help you. And so they're going to typically avoid their own feelings and needs and instead overemphasize the feelings and needs of others and and deny their own feelings in that situation. Whereas a seven on the flip side um is going to think, you know what, there may be a problem, but I'm fine. I'm fine. No worries. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. And um this was, I was just I laugh out loud sometimes because I'm like, oh my gosh, it is I'm so textbook seven at times where I'm like, I say this in the worst of situations. I'm like, oh, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Um, so I I has to laugh when I started learning about this, these conflict styles, and that was a very common response for type seven. Um, our type sevens in these situations are going to avoid their own pain and also avoid their role in creating the conflict or the disappointment or the suffering for anybody else. Um, they may cause stress and you know make the problem that much worse or be the the cause of a potential problem. Um, but they're not going to want to always take responsibility or or recognize that. They'll go to that reframing ability that they have, their rationalization tool on their tool belt as a go-to for our type sevens. Um so they may over-emphasize their own needs and feel burdened with the needs of others. Oh, I hate to say it, but sometimes that is so true. You know, they'll say, um, gosh, this person is just such a downer. I just feel like they're they're um they're being such a downer and being so negative, and it just feels very limiting. Uh, so again, you can't change until you know and you until you become aware of it. Um, and then lastly, our type nine is going to be thinking, um, maybe thinking, I want to say is going to be for sure, but they might be thinking, okay, wait, what problem? I don't, I don't think there's a problem. Is there a problem? And so they can feel blindsided sometimes when others get upset with them because they tend to be so um, you know, I don't want to say out of touch, but they, you know, they want to keep the peace, they want to keep the harmony going. So they will ignore those problems um, you know, on the outside and then spits especially any feelings and especially negative feelings they have on the inside that could rock the boat. They want to go with the flow. So anything that's gonna rock the boat, they're gonna shove down and kind of numb out. And so the thing that they're gonna be avoiding is the problems themselves, you know, they do not want to look at problems at all, and they can be overwhelmed by their own needs and the needs of others. So there's, you know, lots more that we could kind of talk about on this topic, and I'm and I'm sure we will, but that was kind of a crash course on conflict style. So in the CEO style training that we did last week, we had talked about, okay, great, now you know this information about yourself. Now what do you do with it? How how can you actually use it? That's a question I get a lot when it comes to the Enneagram is okay, great, I know my number. How do I actually use it? And so one idea to start with is to first start right this moment, kind of reflecting on how you tend to handle disappointment and conflict and and hard, hard things. Which of these is most true? Obviously, not 100% of the time true, um, but which one is most true? What's kind of your default most of the time? So become aware of that. And then two, look for ways in the future to be able to bring in the other two styles to have more um productive, effective discussions and communication around the conflict and to navigate, navigate around the issue without saying or doing something that you might regret later or um letting the person know that you've been hurt. And I'll I guess I'll just run through a couple of examples really quickly that are coming to mind about, you know, how to how to bring in these other conflict styles and why you would even want to. So I'll just start with myself. Positive outlook. Like you might be thinking, well, what could be bad about that? In what situation would you not need a positive outlook? And I think part of that, um, and I had talked about this in a um a post I shared over on Instagram about the this like tendency to be happy all the time and this need to be happy all the time and good vibes only, positive vibes only. It's kind of like a cultural thing right now. It's like, oh, don't let negative, just think positive, don't let your mind go there. And somebody who's always thinking positive or trying to see the positive, there is a time and a place for that. Absolutely. But can you imagine how invisible you would feel if you were on the receiving end of that and you had a strong emotion of sadness, of worry, of fear, of anger, whatever emotion, disappointment, embarrassment. And you were coming to somebody and they were just wanting to put a positive spin on it, wanting to look at the silver lining in that situation. And by all means, like I'm not saying suggesting like we dwell in that place forever, but I have learned in my own personal journey that this is something that I that has been really hurtful and really um actually destructive, not helpful, but destructive in these kinds of conversations where somebody's coming and I'm like, oh, well, look at it this way, or oh, just just think of it in this way. And I still do this. Like my boyfriend just called me out last week for doing something like this, where I'm like, oh, well, look at it this way. It's fine. I literally said, it's fine. And you know, I don't need to go into problem solve, I don't need problem solving mode, I don't need to um, I don't need to put a positive spin on it. What would be most helpful most of the time in the situations is just to sit there with empathy and compassion and listening and asking questions, not trying to problem solve and give a you know a positive outlook idea, like, oh, you know, have you thought about that? This so that's an example of when a positive outlook could not be a great way to handle a conflict. And instead, if you tend to, if this tends to be your go go to style, like me, um, look at ways where you can bring in more emotional reaction. Where can you how can you better sit with the emotion and acknowledge the emotion and um hold space for that and ask questions and be okay with that? And then in other times, um, and I think that would be you know the biggest one to bring in for this positive outlook group. Um, but then other times you might need to bring in that that data, that rationalization, that practicality, because you're over, you're over um, oh, what's what is the word that I'm looking for? You're you're being overly positive and to the point that it's actually not helpful. So if there's a a problem in in your business or with a client or in the work that you do or in a relationship, um, it it you know, it may need to be addressed. You may need to look at the data at some point and think, okay, this is what's actually happening. Um, it's it's actually not okay right now. It doesn't mean that it won't be, but it's look based on the data, based on the information, we have a problem. And it needs to be fixed rather than ignoring the problem and just letting it continue. So that's another way to bring that in. Now, if you're an emotional and that emotional reactivity, kind of you feel those feelings very intensely. Um, maybe sometimes you do need to bring in a positive outlook. You know, if you're feeling really sad or worried or angry, like is there how can you see the good in that situation? What, what are, what is the good in that conflict, in that challenge, in that difficult situation? And remember that. And then, you know, we've kind of already talked about the benefits of bringing in the data to a situation like that. Well, I guess maybe we didn't talk too much about it, but you know, can be, oh, wait, it's maybe not as bad as I thought it was. Um, looking at the data, like, oh, I may feel so um upset and like a failure, and I may feel really sad because I shared my new idea and you know, nobody, quote unquote, nobody was interested. It's like, well, when you get into the data and see you open up your email list and see, oh my gosh, you had, you know, 50% open rate and 10 people clicked on it. And so it's not true that nobody was interested, right? Um, so that is a way to kind of balance out those strong, intense feelings and just kind of fact check yourself. And then being in that data, not drama category, you know, you can again kind of with the positive outlook uh situation, it's like, can you put put aside the efficiency for just a moment? And maybe that person doesn't need a solution in that moment. Maybe what they really need to is to feel heard, is to feel seen, that you care. Um, you know, a lot of times um when we do come to somebody with a difficult situation, um, we typically don't need it to be solved. We don't, we're not asking them to solve something unless we specifically say, hey, I need help. So um I used to have a boss that always went into problem solving mode. It's just her nature. And she had gotten feedback so self-aware, love her. Um, and she started asking us when we were coming to her office with a challenge. She would say, you know, is this something that we need to solve together? Are you looking for input on a solution or are you just looking to vent and be heard? And either one was fine. She was open to either one. She just wanted to understand so that she could, you know, have the response that was most needed by that person in that situation. So that might be a question that you ask, are we problem solving or you know, are are you just sharing? And then um, yeah, bringing in some of that positive energy at times, um, not getting so wrapped up in the data, but it's like, what could be possible? Let's bring in some of that optimism. Like, what could be possible here? And so we there is a need, there is a benefit to all three of those styles. It's just being intentional with the tool that you pick up in that specific situation, understanding what tool you've been picking up, and then knowing when to put it down and picking up another tool in those situations. So again, I think this will probably be a lifelong journey and practice for myself. I'm assuming for for most of us too. I don't know that we ever get amazing at always handling conflict the best, but it is something that we can practice and get better at. And the first step in doing that though is understanding where we are right now, bringing that awareness to our current style and where we are. So that would be a great first place to start start. And then second place would be looking at ways to bring in the other two to that style. So, um, with that, we are going to be talking about our the energy that we bring to going after what we want in next week's Enneagram classroom episode. So that'll be a really good one. That's another category that was really eye-opening, both uh strengths that I could embrace and parts of myself that maybe have not been the most helpful to others, specifically in dealing with my my clients, thinking everybody had the same energy and the same goals and the same um yeah, the same energy to carry into projects and and visions and that sort of thing. So that has been really helpful just to understand that people are looking at the world in that way, in a different way. So I would love to hear from you. I I always love hearing from you. If you want to reach out over on Instagram or send me an email and let me know any aha's, any um eye-opening pieces of this that came to you about yourself or with someone else in your life. I am over on um at at Enneagram NBA over on Instagram and then hello at Sarah Lynco.com. And I always love to hear from you. Sometimes I've I've gotten some really good feedback about some of our guest expert interviews lately about feeling really seen and being able to relate. And I that I love hearing that and I pass it on, and I know our guests love that. So um, you are never bothering me. I always love to hear from you. And uh with that, have an amazing week, and uh, I will see you back here soon for our guest expert interview, and then next week for another classroom episode.