SPEAKER_01 0:00

Becca Starr is joining us today as a wife, as a mom, as a friend, and as a certified master level transformational life coach who helps her clients move out of pain from your past to help them identify techniques that really connect to your self-worth and then helps you unlock your life purpose so that you can really live confidently. She has so much overlap in the work that she does with how the Anneagram can help you. And so I thought that this would be such a great person to have come share with us today her work, her expertise, how she's helping others both kind of work through their past and turning that into a purpose and then also connecting with self-worth, understanding your worth, accepting where you've been, looking forward to where you want to go. So many things that just overlap with the Enneagram that I'm excited to share with you with what she has to say. And then she's also joining us as an Enneagram type six, who, as you might remember, really values safety, security, the sense of feeling grounded and supported. And then the fear for the six is really that fear of fear of fear, being unsafe, not feeling secure, not feeling supported. And so she gets into a little bit about how that has shown up for her, both in her personal life and her work, and then some very specific things that she is doing in real time to kind of help manage that anxiety, that fear to catch herself in those some of those um behaviors that might be causing recurring issues and how she has been practicing, um, kind of noticing when those triggers happen, when those situations happen, and then choose intentionally choose a different thought, choose a different behavior. And that really is why I love the Enneagram so much, why I feel so passionate about it is because so many of us are just on default mode, saying, Oh, that's just the way that I am, that's just the way things are. And we're we just have the default mode on. We're just rolling through life, kind of asleep. And she is such a great example of really waking up, taking intentional action, not just action or not just keep doing the same thing or saying this is who I just am, but really making a conscious and intentional effort to change um both the thoughts that she's thinking for herself and her responses towards others. And I think you're just gonna be really inspired by all that she shares. And I'm excited for you to listen to this one today with our guest, Becca Starr. Welcome to the Enneagram MBA Podcast, a show for aspiring and growing entrepreneurs and unfulfilled employees who know they are capable of playing bigger. If you are wanting to identify your gifts, find your purpose, do work that matters, and create a ripple effect that goes beyond yourself, you're in the right place. Each week you'll get resources, strategies, and support to help you get to know yourself, to get to know and understand others, like your future clients, and help you get known so that you can reach more people with your gifts and purpose. So grab your notebook or open up your notes app, and I will see you in class. All right, well, welcome back to another episode of the Indian Graham MBA podcast. Today I am joined by Becca Starr, who is a master certified life coach who specifically focuses on helping women figure out their life purpose and how to do that and live life with confidence. And Becca is also joining us as an Enneagram type six. So welcome to the show, Becca. Thank you, Sarah.

SPEAKER_02 4:07

Thank you so much. I love your podcast and we've been friends and known each other for so long. So I love that we're here together today.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

You know, we have, and I always like to share like how we connected because sometimes it's like, oh, a message on Instagram, which is kind of random, but so good. And then you and I, though, met at the I think it was the first ever Amy Porter filled entrepreneur experience. Is that right? Yep, in San Diego. Yep, yep. And I I think it was the first time she had she had did it. It was um she had done it, it was a bonus as part of the Marie Forlio B school, right?

SPEAKER_00 4:43

Oh, right, yes, that's cool.

SPEAKER_02 4:45

We're all there, yes, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:47

I know I forget because at this point it has been three years, right?

SPEAKER_02 4:53

Right, yes, yeah. And I've seen she's done it, and I I don't know how they did it through you know COVID, but they did it in person the next year, and it was quite a ticket price too, but in a week.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

I feel very fortunate, and I think we have all said so how they did it, which I I really like this. It sounded like her team spent a lot of time putting together the table placements, and so we were all in a similar place in our businesses, a lot of us just kind of getting started, yeah. Table 28 forever. And for I even wanted to say like a good two years, or we met monthly pretty consistently. Um, and so we've all just kind of grown and you know, COVID, I think, threw a wrench in a lot of people's schedules and that sort of thing. But yeah, I loved it. So since then, Becca and I have, yeah, been in touch and talked a lot over the last three years. Yeah, what a gift, really. It it really is. And we kind of had reconnected again, which I feel like we kind of go through these cycles. Um, and you had asked some questions and brought up some things about the Enneagram. And so we had kind of talked about your type and um I think it was probably and I'll let you kind of share, but I think it was probably interesting to you because self-awareness is really such a big part of what you do. And I know that you're always learning about yourself to kind of walk the walk. So um I was just always curious, like what kind of drew you to learning about the Enneagram specifically?

SPEAKER_02 6:23

Well, I loved when I started to see your post. I was just curious because the personality test and all of the things you know, we can find to just what's our place in this world? Like, where do we fit in? And I think that I did the test, I just kept seeing your post, and I kept, I think it was mostly curiosity. And I took the test, and when I realized what I came up with was that I was a six, every I went back through all your posts and every single thing that you've mentioned about a six 100% of the time. And this hasn't happened with any other personality test, like ever. Every single thing about a six is me, and I could identify so clearly with it. And I think the beauty of that is being able to just see things I've discovered, self-discovery and all of the coaching that you know I've actually had for myself and all of the processes, it was so in alignment with all of that, and so it's our core desires, our core qualities, but then those fears that we have, and where I've gotten to at this point in my journey is that those fears aren't a bad thing. That pain has a purpose. So wherever we are, it's okay, but I spent so much of my life thinking that I something was wrong with my life, something was wrong with me, that I have a fear of, you know, the anxiety or the fear of being safe. It's such a basic need. Like I thought it was just me or my upbringing, or you know, certain circumstances that led me to feel that this world wasn't safe. But you know, as a six, that is such a big piece of being a six. So it just was really, I think, so helpful the way I'm a leader and all of my um the things that make me who I am, the whole picture of them. It was it kind of is a way to kind of put it all together. It's beautiful. I love it. I've I I've really I've bought a book on on sixes, I've asked you lots of questions. Like it's a really neat um, I want to call it a personality test, but it's just such an amazing sort of a philosophy about who we are individually.

SPEAKER_01 8:50

Yeah, and I think it gets lumped into the personality test for sure. Um, and then it just goes, you know, you can go kind of deeper into the behaviors or the motives behind the behaviors. And then um, it's kind of yeah, like a personality framework. And I I have some questions for you too, in just a minute. Um, about because the other thing that I love about the Enneagram is just how it's so fluid. And so it's like you might look like an average health six in this moment, but two months from now, you could be really stressed out, or you could be living your best life and you look completely different. And so that's always really interesting to me too. Um I I know that you mentioned leadership and just kind of even like your style and getting like feeling um validated in some of those fears and feeling like you're not the only one, you're not crazy. And I just have to say really quickly, so my boyfriend is a two, and he has said one of the like biggest takeaways from the Nagram for him is that like it's okay to want to help people and want to take care of others because sometimes like these things get a bad rap, like, oh, having anxiety and fear, like that's bad, or like people pleasing or wanting to always help out all the time, like you're forgetting about yourself. And yes, there are unhealthy qualities to all of those things, but then it's also it's like I get energy from that. Um, and so just being aware of that and and feeling like, yeah, that's okay, like that's a thing, and I can use that in positive ways. So anyway, yes. Um, so for the six, we kind of talked about that that core fear and the the thing that they're running away from is fear itself. But there's so much more with sixes that I love and going into leadership specifically, um, some of the things that they're good at, I'm gonna, I'm gonna read some of their qualities. And then I would just love to hear like what what you see in yourself or as you've gone on your own self-awareness journey, what how you're seeing yourself grow. So one of the things that sixes have the superpower, and I I see it in you, but I would love to hear if this is true for you too, is um they have they can take these like big complex topics and not only understand them, but be able to then kind of distill the meat of it and explain it back in a really like helpful, bite-sized way that others can learn from and actually get something from and not feel overwhelmed by. Do you find yourself doing that in the work that you do as a mom, as a friend? Is that something you used to struggle with? I'd just love to hear like anything on that.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

The only struggle is when I'm not able to do that because it's so important to me. It is, it's funny because years ago I created the BitMore method, and a part of that is microactions. And I am such a big believer in breaking it down. So part of what I teach is you know, breaking the cycle on things. And if you look at just all the problems in your life, it's so overwhelming sometimes when you just look at everything. So the way that you kind of do anything, it has to be broken down. Like, you know, it's really like picking one problem and like really being able to address something, like being in the solution in a way where it is, I'm not mechanical, so it's kind of you know, it's like I'm not so like regimented. Like I could see my husband waking up every single morning and he'll do the same thing. He wakes up, he eats breakfast, he meditates, like he's got routine in his life. Like I am not that way, but I need to break things down so simply that I know exactly what to do next. And with my kids, I know exactly how to break it down so that they hear what they need to hear, not what I need to do. But one of the things about a six is we project, and that is something that I as soon as I start sort of saying things through my filter of how I would understand them, it's like, no, no, no, no, put myself in their place. Like, what is it that they need to hear? And I just I try to do that in my work, with my kids, even with my husband, because as a man, he is so different. He doesn't need to hear all of the things that I think going on in my brain need to be shared with him. It's like, break it down. Like, what is it? And I do it in all ways. And if I don't do it, that it's because I'm not able to figure out in that moment yet how to do it, and it causes me stress. It's like I really need to be able to break things down. It's kind of the only way because I think also knowing I can go into overwhelm, like that, I it makes more sense to me now. This is why I go into overwhelm because if it's not broken down, it's just it needs to be for me.

unknown 14:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

Oh my God, you explained that so well, Becca. Um, yeah, and the flip side of that same energy is it's exactly what you said. So sometimes as a as a leader or leading your own life, the opposite can be true, where it's like you have so much information and then it it can be overwhelming to yourself or to others as you try to explain it if when you're not able to do that. Um, so it sounds like though that you have done like a lot of work yourself on being able, being able to do that and just have that awareness. Um, you mentioned the the defense mechanism of a type six is the projection. So it's like, oh, I'm upset, they must be upset too. Or um, you know, with relationships, one of the examples that I give is like, oh, they must this isn't going well. They must be thinking about breaking up with me. Let me break up with them first. So does do you see that or how have you seen that maybe even in like your the your work life? Like, oh, this offer, they don't want this offer, or they don't want, you know, anything like that. Do you do you see that looking back?

SPEAKER_02 15:29

I'll be honest, I think it's only been in the last months that I've been able to recognize that that's what I'm doing. And it's for a few reasons. Because of reading through that amazing guide that you sent me on sixes. So that honestly, probably in the last month or so. But it was also something that was coming up in a program I am enrolled in in Mind Valley, and how it's it's funny because you know, all the coaching certifications I have, you would have thought I would have like heard it for myself at some point sooner, but I I didn't realize how subconscious, like unconsciously I was doing it until it's come up as something. This is the time to notice now, you know, this is my time to see when I do that. That's what's I have a word for it. This is projection, this is what I'm doing, and I do it in business. If I put it out there, it's always been the way that I perceive it, is the way I think others are going to receive it, both positively, but really it affects me when I think negatively about something, and it's really just maybe self-doubt or something else, but believing, truly believing that that's how it is also received. So it's something that has been a really great opportunity, but I'll be honest, only recently, because it was part of I think learning about sixes, and then the um the program, I'm sure projection came up in every single one of you know, my the courses. I mean, it's been years now with the the coaching certifications, and yet for some reason it was one of those theories I just didn't connect with yet. And then now that I have, I've seen how I've done it with my children. So my childhood experience, which I've kind of given it different words through the years. Like I always have to be careful that, like, oh, just because I went through that and I have this fear doesn't mean that they're actually experiencing life and through that same perception. But I've given it now this word. I was just talking to my husband last week and I said, I'm projecting my own experience. So now I've been using the word more because I can see, you know, it's come up, you know, it's like a word that I've heard in therapy before, but I never realized how much I actually for better and for worse that I was doing it. Because I think in some ways it can be, you know, it's positive if I guess sometimes, but it it doesn't really, you know, always show up that way. It's like, oh, it's through a fear, and I'm assuming, so assuming self-doubt, all of those things are kind of coming up, and maybe taking an offer down because oh, I'm assuming it's not the right one for my ideal client, and that's not what she wants. It's like I could just simply do a workshop. So this Thursday I have a workshop and I could get the most positive feedback, but it's that external validation that's given it to me rather than just, oh, wait a minute, what I'm doing is projecting, and I don't have to do that. You know, I don't have to make decisions on assumptions. I hope that answers it because it is something that I think that I had a lot of other words for the experience of doing it, but that one word, it's a really great, important word to kind of give as a self-identifier, like, oh, that's that's gonna stop me from doing something great.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Yes, yeah. And and I think we can all relate to projecting in some way, right? It's not like just these silo experiences that you have based on an based on a number that you identify with. So that I think that how you explain that, and it's even how you said it with your kids and how you've seen that come out is very true. And I think as parents, we can all relate to that a little bit. Um, so thank you for being so open and sharing some of that. You had also mentioned um self-doubt and taking things down or just second-guessing yourself. And again, we all have self-doubt that is a um a common quality among that type six energy. And we, you and I had chatted, I don't know if it's two or three weeks ago now, and um, I had just noticed like some of the new things that you had been putting out over the last year, and and you're changing your programs, and you just have like this confidence and this clarity and this conciseness about what you're talking about. And so I think you probably have noticed it in yourself. I won't, I won't speak for you, but I have noticed it. And I'm just curious, what has helped you move away, and I'm sure you still experience it, but how what what's helped you kind of move away from that self-doubt into um, you know, self-confidence and and believing in yourself and exactly what you said, like, yeah, outside input is important, but also internal input is important. And so, how do you turn that volume up and turn the other volume down? That's a great question.

SPEAKER_02 20:47

I um don't know if you remember we talked about that triad where it's the three keys. And so on the base of this triangle is self-worth, and that's I really understanding your value, and then on the other side is breaking the cycle. So that's like the bad habits and those patterns that can block us and we can get stuck in things. But once you do the work on those things, you're naturally, naturally just you're not gonna have to force it to find your life purpose, you're going to be in your life purpose, and it's gonna become a lot more clear when you do the work. And so for understanding your value and really um knowing that it's working, that oh yes, like I know my value, I'm owning it. You're going to see things like you're going to improve your confidence. And the ways that you do that, it is through self exploration. Like it's it's kind of realizing your style, your personality, your vibe, um, your values, and then living, like being congruent with those, like. I there's so much that we do because we think like we're supposed to, or we should, or our mother said, or our friend said, our sister, and we have a lot of voices when when you start to realize what volume needs to be turned down, like I think a big part of that is making the decision. You really have to make the decision to turn, if you're gonna turn any volume down, it's on all those other voices, all the shoulds, all the supposed to's. You're supposed to go to college, you're supposed to get married, have kids. I don't know if that's still a thing. I mean, do they talk about the white picket fence anymore? Because it's like you're we really are ingrained with all of these beliefs that aren't even truly ours. Like that's something where along the way they just seem like that's who we are, but it's really turning the volume down on all of that stuff. And I believe making the decision to really understand and own your value. And that's the volume buttons, like right there. It's all with the self-worth. Because then when you get into breaking cycles, it might look like, oh, this is the stuff that comes up along the way. Like, okay, every time I get a phone call from my mother, we get like into this kind of you know, dynamic and a push or a pull thing, or something happens. Like in your, it's usually relationships. They can, they, they give us all of our lessons, like the triggers. It's like with our partner or you know, our kids, it's other people show us what our sort of obstacles are a lot of the times, or it could just be you live alone and you're not in any real significant relationships, but you're holding yourself back for fear of or a belief that you know, so it's really like that's the work. So when you turn up the volume, it's kind of just turning down, it really happens naturally when you can just realize what doesn't belong to you, and then you can really start to, I think it's consistent, like there's never too much work that you might do on yourself, meaning like on a daily basis, check in with what is my what are my badass qualities today? Like, what how do I want to show up today? And I don't know if you've ever heard of segment intention. Abraham Hicks talks about it. It's a great one to Google because it gives you that power to create your day, create your life. Like you get to own that shiitake, you know, like you get to own that stuff, like you're designing your life by intending what you how you want to spend your morning with the kids, what happens when they're at school today, like how are you going to show up for your business? And not what not a to-do list, but who are you going to be in that segment, like that part of your day? And you get to decide that before you get into it. And I just find that to be pretty powerful because it's not what we're doing. It's like, who are we being in that? And I think the only way you can do that is by really owning your value. Then you have to understand it's it's really a real it's the best relationship, the biggest relationship is the one that you have with yourself. And I think we can prioritize our children and our husband, but it truly is like you can't be who you really want to be with them or anyone else if you're not really giving that to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Yes, you said that so, so beautifully. Um, one and that is that's another like very six thing, but I know just so many of us, regardless of the the type, look for um sixes, one, two, and sixes are actually in this group on the Enneagram called like the compliance stance or like dutiful group. And it has to do with looking outside yourself for what to do next, whether it's a authority or a set of rules or belief system or community, whatever outside of you. And so then just like you said, Becca, the work is kind of connecting with that inner knowing. And what do you want? What do you want? And sometimes it's a hard question. You had mentioned um value, like getting in touch, understanding your value, and then kind of stepping into that. What are some tips or any thoughts on like how can we find that? Because sometimes people are like, I don't even know what I'm good at. And sometimes it's because it's so oblivious to us. It's like in that unconscious competency category. I don't know if you've heard of that. So, how do you help people get in touch with what the value that they want to bring is?

SPEAKER_02 26:52

Uh, another great question. I love it. It's it's really the best first question is what feels good? Sometimes it's not what can I do to understand, you know, who I am more, like what I value, what my value is. It's what can I let go of that's not mine? Like, what is mine, like in my life every day, but it's not lifting me up. It doesn't always feel good. And I know there are things we have to do, like we have to. I mean, I love a clean house. I don't always like cleaning. I just bought a Roomba a few weeks ago. It was like the greatest purchase of my life. And it's like, because I love a clean house, and I actually don't feel good about myself when I look and everything's clean, but the floors are dirty. And I realize, like, well, even if it doesn't do perfect, I'm still gonna get it because it'll do better than like what this experience has been. Literally, for how many years have I looked at floors and thought, oh, I should really vacuum, I should really sweep those floors. And so it's such a simple thing, but it feels good and it's not my life purpose to have clean floors. I get that, but it's knowing all of the stuff we pile on top of our core desires, our core qualities. And a great way to look is in one of you know, all of the things when you talk about core stuff, look at that stuff. What is happening in your life right now that actually isn't congruent with that? Like, what's not that? Because that might be something when you really look at that, you'll see why am I doing that? Who am I doing that for? Is it to look good to others? What's how is this serving me? And there are so there's unfortunately so many things that we do, but it's because we lack the clarity of kind of what's underneath all of the beliefs, maybe that we have. So it's like it really is. I would rather see you spend a whole week in quiet, you know, reflection and with your journal and just eating meals like you know, more slowly and just in like that, the beautiful, like just eunus without anything else, just to see, like, and we don't have that kind of luxury usually, but it's it actually could increase your income by giving yourself that gift because truly your net worth, you know, your self-worth is your net worth, but not understanding what your self-worth and your actual value is, it's going to show up in your numbers, in your income. And so it's that important. I would, you know, I would just say like starting with just do what feels good and then question all of the things that don't feel good and see if there's an easier way to get them done, if they're if they really need to be done, but just take yourself out. Like, who else can do it? Does it actually is the world gonna fall apart if you don't do it? Is there any way that it could be done without you? You know, so I think it's just I think because I work with women so much, I think that's such a common thing. And we're trying to fill sometimes spaces with um things where we haven't given ourselves that quiet reflection. So we don't have the clarity. Micro actions that I mentioned before, when you know what your micro actions are going to be, they are inspired small steps, like they're small actions, but they make such a big impact because they are coming from your beautiful brain, from your actual, you know, your unique value. They're inspired, they're insights, they come from inside of you. So it's it's really, I think, more important to let go rather than keep trying all these new things and more titles, more certifications. You know, that's something we get wrapped up in a lot. It's like we think like the answer, it's somewhere. It's like, no, no, no, no. I promise you, you already have the answer. And what if the answer is, oh, right now, I just need to put my business maybe a little bit more on automatic and be a mom? Maybe what I really need in this season of my life is to let go of managing my kids' life because they're older and I get to show up for my business every day, but like asking yourself journaling every day, like who would that beautiful boss look like today? Like intending, how do I want to spend my day? Like really doing that, the vision work. But then I guess I should definitely mention this stuff. It's important to do the things you're inspired to do. So this isn't just a thinking game, like this isn't just a sitting back and you know, eating slowly thing. It's like what inspires you, like what all like what comes up for you, don't dismiss it. Just do it. Like that's the stuff that you would actually start to listen to more. And then, you know, there's there's more because life comes up, stuff comes up, and and we actually, I think because I've worked with my coach now for a few months, and one of the first things I brought to her was I don't want to need, and this is something maybe that you've noticed, I don't want to need external value, I don't want to need validation. And it was one of the first things, and I think since that moment, it was just having the conversation, like I'm ready to give this up. Maybe you've seen that a lot more, like in what I share, because I made the decision, you know, and it's just now staying in alignment with that decision and letting go of anything that comes up where it's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's that's coming up. Like that's me needing external validation. I actually don't need to take that action because I don't need to do that. That's not, you know, that's kind of in the past stuff.

SPEAKER_01 33:12

But yes, okay, so so many things on that. Um, I I think that that the external validation thing, again, so many of us can can relate to and just asking what can I let go of? And I was gonna ask you what the what's something that you let go of, but it it sounds like that's been a big one in doing that and giving yourself space. And I think this is really um, I know that you have also done a lot with with this, like being in the the healing space before this, and we'll kind of pivot into talking about your pain for purpose message, but um, especially for sixes and fives and sevens who are in this um center of intelligence where we're always in our heads. Um, one of the things that we can all do, any type, is reconnect with our body, kind of like you were saying, instead of trying to figure out what the next thing is. This is kind of what was coming up for me when you were talking about that. It's like we're just trying to figure out what we're supposed to do, like what some other successful person is recommending, or what we feel like our family or friends want us to do, or just you know, society pressure in general. What are we supposed to do on the outside? And it's like, well, I don't know. I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out, trying to figure it out. And there's no amount of figuring out, and I will tell you this from firsthand experience. Um, and it is so true, just like sitting still, getting in touch with your own thoughts and how you feel doing something. Um, so do you have any other specific exercises to help us slow down, get in touch with how we feel, get in touch with our bodies more, which sounds like sometimes I'm like, okay, that feels like I don't have time for that. But but it is, it's so, I mean, it is like insane like how much you can quote unquote figure out when you're not trying to figure out something.

SPEAKER_02 35:13

Right. I think for me, being a previous spa owner and for many years, so before coaching, I owned a spa. I actually own multiple spas and I was a massage therapist. So I am all about, you know, the body being connected. So that highway from your brain to your heart to your gut and getting a massage. I might be biased, but I think that in itself connects you more to your body, it slows you down. And meditation, obviously. I've been talking a lot lately about the root chakra. And it really is if you haven't done any other body work, there are a couple physical things you can do in the root chakra simply by by sitting um or laying down comfortably and bringing awareness to your root chakra, and then also through your legs and and really walking around barefoot and feeling and asking your root chakra to open up, to relax, and to just start to realize how much you'll if you're sort of stuck in your root chakra, if there's any blocks at all energetically, there won't be a flow from the earth, you know, up through to your beautiful brain. And it's a really important flow to have you know, have the energy sort of coming through your entire body, not just, you know, we can focus on our hearts or our, you know, solar plexus, like we can focus on different parts of our body in meditation, but I think sometimes it's really a wonderful thing if you do a guided meditation and they start at the feet because you're just your simple awareness that you have a whole body. I I have, because of my previous work, I have a certification program for infant massage. So it's it's not for parents, it's for professionals who want to teach it. But in doing that, you know, they learn babies actually aren't born with a connection to their whole body. So when you are giving a baby massage, they're like, oh, I have hands, like, and they start to really, you know, in in life, you see babies really start to check out on their own. They'll check out their hands or their feet, like they're like these new, you know, surprises, but they can feel their legs. So it's a weird thing, but it's true that we sometimes don't even realize like this is our spiritual body, this is our whole being. So our our whole being isn't up here in what we do in the outside world. It's like we actually own this beautiful body, whether we judge it or love it or not. But dancing and just if you have anxiety, like shaking, like just getting it physically out sometimes. It's trusting that you can dance like no one is watching. You can blast music in your house if no one's there. You can put your headphones on and lock the door if you feel uncomfortable. Because I know dancing is such a great way to really just sort of shake, shake off the stuff, but also get out of your head so much. And so to do it and have a practice where usually before I go live, I always have a dance party, but I'm home alone in my kitchen blasting the music. It's it's just funny because it's such a sort of a common practice for me. But I think I don't realize how much other women, unless you are a dancer, you're probably not doing that at home as much in your kitchen, you know. And thank God for my kids, when you know my son was like two years old, we start when we have like a party light, a disco light, like we have a whole vibe. So we play kids' music now for them. But it used to be like more rock that we enjoyed, and now they're all about ninjago and other things. But like we all dance, like there's no sitting out, like we all dance, and so I do it with them on my own, and I highly recommend dance because you don't have to look good, but you have to do it because sometimes it just wakes up your whole being. And I think it's really important and gives you better ideas, and you have, you know, sort of all that stuff that might have been swirling around that you that's not serving you, you just shake it out and you don't need it. And so you have like everything's improved and you feel better.

SPEAKER_01 39:35

Yeah. Oh my God, so many good ones from like meditation to dance. So, depending on what you're feeling, where you're at, where you want to start, those were a lot of really good ones. All of them, I love it. So, one of the other things that a lot of people are trying to figure out, regardless of your type, again, is my purpose. Like, what is my purpose in life? And you have um a message that you have been sharing around how to turn your pain into your purpose. So, tell us a little bit about that. What does that mean? What does that look like?

SPEAKER_02 40:11

Sure. Um, thanks for asking. That is something that I help a lot of women with, and I do one-on-one coaching. So I for years have actually been talking about pain to purpose, but I started to see how much it was helping in my group workshops and with my clients, and also when I talk about it on social media, there is such a great response because I think that there is a part of us, and it might be a super quiet or silent part of us that knows that it made us who we are, that the pain that we have we wouldn't be who we are for better or worse without it. And it can be exhausting to feel like I'm resilient, I can go through painful things. So it's it's sometimes um more important, you know, we can do the deep work on finding, you know, the stories, the pain. And we absolutely through a journey together can find your purpose through it. And that means your strengths, who you became because of it, we retell the story because we can do that. Like we start to remember the story differently. Because as a little six-year-old girl, if your father left you and it was painful, your brain at that age had to tell a story, and that story is usually not a good one. Like I he didn't love me, I'm a problem, I'm not valuable or worthy. And so our brain starts to tell us things as a six-year-old. And even as an adult, knowing, oh, he was a drug addict, or he had some mental health issues, or whatever we might logically know as an adult, we get to remember it differently. We get there are techniques that we can do together to actually have a different experience of the painful experience. And that in itself can be so healing. But what I want to just share with you today is a simple form of this is what happens when something this morning triggered you, and you feel like there is you're gonna have a bad day now, and that this was this was just like a negative, painful moment, and it really kind of colors the rest of your experience for today and your thoughts and the way you're feeling, and so you get to remember it differently. And the way that you can do that is just really starting to look at like what happened, and I'll try to make this one really short, but this morning I realized we're in Connecticut now, so we moved from Los Angeles to Connecticut and we are renting a house that has oil, and we had to go through all last winter dealing. I mean, it's just like if you don't keep an eye like you, like I should just get on an automatic thing, but we have to keep the oil tank full because then it's like, why is it so cold in here? And so this morning I realized last night was like one of the first times I turned on the heat. And this morning it was like 64. It's not cold, but I was like, why isn't the heat? I have it like on 73. Why isn't it going up? And what happened was because I had to unexpectedly pay $300 just to have them come out and put some oil in there. I had a lot of feelings about that. I didn't expect to spend $300 and my brain started going. My husband's birthday is this week. The um, the uh kind of the self, you know, worth stuff. Like, what's wrong with me? Why didn't I? I kept thinking like my husband's been gone for six weeks. So I was kind of like, well, maybe when he gets back, I'll have him go down there and check the meter. But like I just didn't want to do it. And so it went from fear of you know lack of money, all of these initial things. And I want to walk you through my own process because I think it's a great way to see sometimes something happens and we tell ourselves a sort of a meaning about it. So our beautiful brains want to protect us and they usually like to go into anger because that makes us feel safer, usually. Like we can get mad at somebody else or something's a problem, or we can get mad at ourselves, and it just more or less makes sense of things for us. But that's not the purpose. Like that's it's not that running out of oil or anything is like so purposeful, but here's what I got. I realized, oh, it went from my self-worth and I cleared that out. So you let that go. Just it's just a decision. Like, oh, this doesn't say anything about me. I just didn't want to go downstairs and check it. And it's just something that happened. It just happened. The next layer was, oh, I think I'm actually angry at my husband for not being home for he's been on tour. And I realized like that was starting to come up. So the layers we do have to like give ourselves that time to think like, well, what's really going on here? What's at the core here? And I realized I'm not actually angry at my husband. What I really want is to have connection and intimacy with my husband. And I'm craving that right now. And I'm sad that I don't have it. And I went from thinking I was a fool for not like just having an automatic payment plan or something, whatever they do here. I got to figure it out. Or and I was mad at the price. Well, it was all these things at the top of my head, but I didn't let it stop there. I did the work. I literally did the work. I wrote it down. Okay, well, then what? And then what? And I just kind of walked myself through this one negative experience and through that realized what I really need and what I really want right now and what I needed before this morning anyway, and this is just the way it's showing up for me, is connection and intimacy with my husband. And he comes home on Saturday, so we have a couple more days, but I just was able to figure that out. And instead of going through the rest of the day feeling all the impulsive, like the first thoughts, all of the things that came up right away, there are layers. And if we give ourselves just a little time in a journal and just write down, well, then then what's going on? Maybe why do you need that? Just ask yourself those questions. Like you can do the big work with a coach, you can do the day-to-day work with a coach, but you can do the work if you're not if you're not doing that work with your coach or you're not ready to have a coach, do the work yourself and you'll start to realize, oh, like there are so many ways to look at experiences. Why do I always look at it like that? Okay, well, I because I believe that. And never stop at like, why am I like that? Like, why does this happen to me? Like, don't stop there. Like, ask yourself really, like, so why did this happen? And just keep asking yourself, be curious. And with the curiosity, you start to realize these sort of, I just call them layers because I just feel like we have layers of BS, I call it, and those are your belief stories, but they just are these things because I truly believe out of really great intentions, our beautiful brains want to tell us things that aren't true. And they I believe it's because it protects us and it keeps us safe, or it just keeps us where we think we need to be, but that's not where the gifts are. And so you can do it with anything that has, you know, happened already today, or that happens next. Just start to just give yourself that opportunity. And then obviously, like doing it because sometimes we repeat these patterns. The reason that they're happening really is because you know, that six-year-old had that experience, and then it's going to keep repeating itself until it heals. And it's it's there's such a beauty in allowing it to show up in a different and new way, and you may find a whole new chapter of your life unfolding because you were able to do that work, like really get clear on who you really are and your real, again, your real value, and also how those patterns and those cycles just kind of keep happening because it's not, you know, that thing at six years old didn't happen because you weren't lovable. It probably actually had nothing to do with you, you know, or things that like could be healed, and in that there's such a gift. And there's a lot of times those experiences, not always, but that's what we bring to our work. I know for me, that's how I became, you know, part of my reasons for even becoming, you know, a spa owner and helping people the way I did for years, and then becoming a coach. And like your boyfriend had said, like helping others and being able to see, though, like my own value without the painful story that I was telling myself about what happened to me when I was, you know. So it's like, oh, I get to actually own all the good stuff and realize that none of the bad stuff is even my story. Like that was his story, that was her story. That was like somebody else's. That was that, you know, in junior high when that thing happened. That's not, that's not even my story. Sometimes we start to realize that too. So there's just such a beauty in how we start to live our lives more when we're willing to look at our lives more and be in our bodies and just really like own our unique, beautiful self. Like, you know, and and our brains start to kind of like work with us more because we're just letting them kind of run the show off of first instincts. And there's so much more they can do for us. So it really does take that, you know, just the willingness and the intention. And I believe a daily sort of a check-in. It doesn't have to be extensive. Like this morning, mine was a little bit more because it was a big trigger, but I think it just could be a daily check-in.

SPEAKER_01 50:40

Yeah. Well, first of all, I was looking while you were talking at this quote that I actually saw this morning, and it said, um, therapists and coaches, we can't lead our clients where we haven't been ourselves. And I feel like um you've just like that what you just shared was such a great example. Cause sometimes when we get further down the road and to being the expert or the go-to resource and wanting to help people one, two, 10 steps behind us, it's like, oh gosh, well, I can't let them know because it's it's not credible that I'm having these feelings about my furnace and my husband being gone, right? It's like, well, gosh, I should be. But it's it, um, I think that's such a good reminder that a it's like now I don't know that like we ever arrive. It's not like, oh my God, I learned everything about myself. Um, I'm there. All right, I'll just coast the rest of my life, I guess. But it's like there's always things. And then I just love that you're leading by an example to your own clients and your family, even by just kind of walking yourself, catching yourself in those triggers. And like you said, that behavior or those thoughts are like self-sabotaging behaviors, like get a bad rap for good reason, but ultimately they're there because they're trying to protect us, our our our brain is trying to protect us, and it's just understanding when to use them with intention versus letting a trigger like pick pick up that same tool for every single job, like using the hammer for every single job. And it's like when you can get to a place that you're talking about and just say, Oh, I'm feeling triggered. Oh, why is that? And dig deep. And then it's like, Well, I don't know that I need the hammer today. Like, maybe I need another tool, and being able to intentionally put down the hammer and intentionally pick up another tool is is really when you know, like you're moving along that that growth path, but you know, you'll still always probably want to pick up the hammer.

SPEAKER_02 52:51

Well, no, it actually does change, and I can say that like things that we have owned as like traits or things that like the tools we use to deal with stuff changes. It absolutely does. There is such freedom from things that you could have lived with your whole life. And one example would be I used to be very irresponsible and self-centered for years, and then this was probably like looking back, I would say almost 20 years ago. I started to do the work. I started to do the work, and then in doing the work, you know, I would say like pretty consistently, I realized at some point, oh my gosh, not only am I not irresponsible, I'm one of the most responsible people I know. Like there's probably nobody that would know me really, like from near or far, that would say, Oh, she's so irresponsible. Like I lived that way. I that was how I associated who I was because as a teenager and all of my stories, like that came up. And it was just the way that I had lived. And it wasn't just like, oh, I grew up, it's not that because I did the work, and so it's not like we turned new ages and all of a sudden we're different, better human beings. It's like, no, we all have character flaws or things that when we can just kind of stop blaming other people, or we just start to look at the gifts and everything and we choose differently. I wanted to be responsible. So then what I started to ask myself as different situations would rise up. So, what would a responsible person do right now? Like, what would that look like? What would a good friend do right now? Like, let's just say, like, what would that girl do? Because she's a good friend. Like, I had to actually ask myself questions. And I don't know when it actually happened, but there was a point in time when I was doing some work and I looked back realizing, holy cow, I am so not irresponsible or self-centered, like self-serving. Like I was, like, not even close. Like, I don't even think feel like I'm the same person. And I again, I just I don't think it's just something that happens. Like I could be 65, 80 years old and have remained very similar to who I was at 26 or 20, you know, whatever it was, those ages. It's like I could stay the same person because many people do. And it's really just like believing, okay, like this is worth it. Like I get to change these things I don't even like about myself or things that don't feel good. Again, like if it feels good, you know you're on the right track. But it actually can, like, and that's just one example. Like, there are things that can completely change and internally, and I don't think it's just by telling yourself like a bunch of affirmations every day. Like, I definitely don't think it's just positive thinking. Like, there are certain, you know, things that if we do them on repeat, but they have to mean something. Like they really do have to like mean something to you specifically. And it's just, you know, believing like I could have like a whole new life by next year. Like these things that I don't like could actually be replaced with amazing things because that's how good this universe is.

SPEAKER_01 56:31

And I know that you have the when we kind of talked about it, the um the unlocking the real you framework and you know, that being the real you. What would you say to somebody who's like, and I guess how do you know what that real you is? Like, is it is it something that you create? Because sometimes I'll hear like, oh, that just feels like being an authentic. Like, I want to be good on live video, or I wanna like be like a boss CEO energy, but I don't know if that's like who I really am. Um, what would you say to somebody like that based on that framework and just kind of your work in that area?

SPEAKER_02 57:14

Right. I mean, video isn't for everybody, but I do believe for entrepreneurs, it's the absolute number one best way to grow your business. I am a big believer in video, so it requires courage, it requires a lot of getting out of your own way and some of the stuff that we've talked about today. So what was mentioned before is it's very fitting right now. Like if you think you're supposed to, but you are not there yet, then trust that. But figure out like, what is it then? Is it audio? Is it a blog? Like, is it social media? Like, what is it? Because giving yourself a pass to not market your business because you are not wanting to be on video, and everyone says how important, you know, how maybe I just I feel like I'm supposed to, I should like that's the the words we should be careful of. Like if we hear them, realize, like, okay, I'm saying I should do it because somebody else said I should do it. So is it finding the courage and getting over all your BS and just doing it? Is it working with a coach so that you're confident enough to do it? Is it, and I think with that, if you're really stuck on that, I don't believe that some course is going to help you find the courage to actually start doing video, like some framework that somebody offers, while it might be a great program. I believe if you are that, you know, you're resisting doing something and you really want to, there is probably no program that you can just log on to that, you know, is going to give you what you really need. Like it truly is a shift that you have to have because like it is important to market our business. So if you're not ready to do it yet, at least be willing to prepare yourself to be ready. And in the meantime, figure out what you get to do. Because you don't have to do anything, like you get to do this to share your business with people who really you can make so many people's lives better. But by not showing up, it's something that I struggle with sometimes. So it's like I know all the feelings behind it because whether it's video or social media, like there's a lot that I'm guessing other people I'm projecting. I'm guessing everybody else feels the same way, but it's so hard to put yourself out there if you don't feel like it. But a lot of times it's like, well, then what do I feel like actually doing? What would feel good? Can I commit to that for this whole month? Can I commit to doing that every day? And in the meantime, prepare myself to do video if that, you know, if that's something you're working towards. But again, like breaking it down, like what am I willing to like actually show up and do, and removing like breaking the cycle. So part of that triad is really looking at these patterns and these cycles and being willing to just break those cycles because you're holding yourself back because of things that are false, probably. And if if we were to do some work and realize, like, okay, in your fullest potential of yourself, you it's not congruent, like you don't see the value in video. You don't want to do video. Perfect. That's a beautiful place to be when you know, like you have such clarity. And I think we we had talked about like um you part of your question, it's just like you don't even question your life purpose anymore. Like you are so in it, and maybe like every six months or every year, like a new year's, like you really revisit it, like every quarter, like how am I gonna live this next quarter? Like you really are intentional about it, like that is super helpful, but like you don't question it anymore. There's no more questioning it when you're when you've done a lot of this work, when you've turned pain into purpose, when you're owning your self-worth, you've you aren't just like you said, until like as long as we're alive and we're breathing, we're still it's the work, the growth is never done. And that's actually a good thing because that's what makes life exciting. And like we get to do these things, so it's like the cycles, you're gonna notice new things. And I have women I work with, and that's a little discouraging sometimes, like up front and even down the road. It's like, God, I thought I was like done with this. Like, why is this out? You know, it's like because that's life, you know. Just I mean, not to be callous, but get over it because we're alive and we get to do this, you know. So we get to like kind of break cycles and start to realize like we've stopped questioning what our life purpose is because we're so in it.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:20

It's beautiful, it is, and that I think that's such a great way just to kind of sign off today. It's wrapping that up in a nice neat bow because you know, uh the theme throughout this whole conversation has been really in about intentionally living, whether it's it's like in a specific moment or your life in general. And I know you have a new program out, so I want to hear about that, how we can find more about you. And then I have a couple of rapid fire questions as we wrap this up today.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:51

Okay. I have pain to purpose and I do one-on-one coaching, and I would love if you can schedule a free consultation with me, and I would love to talk to your listeners if this what I shared today is resonating. There is a free consultation and I do offer coaching programs. Usually, um, at this time I only do six-month coaching programs because it is such a journey, it's a process. And I um at BeccaStar.com, you can access the link to book a call with me. And I also have um a PDF that I put together for your listeners today, which is unlocking um what is this? This is called overcome any obstacle. And there's a big part on understanding your own value and then a questionnaire to figure out what those the blocks are specifically, like with that clarity, you're able to choose what is my biggest challenge, and then you're able to get into the solution. So I thought that would be really helpful today based on what we were going to talk about. And I um you can also go to Becca Star and I might make a special page for you. So I'll share with that if you want to put it in the show notes.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:14

Yeah, we'll add it in the show notes. Absolutely. Overcoming any obstacle. Oh my God, it sounds so good. Because that it's kind of like, yeah, it's not necessarily like that we need to learn anything new. It's like, what do we need to let go of so that we can move around that obstacle? So I love that. Um, as we wrap up today, I have three quick rapid fire questions. I always like to ask at the end. And one of those is what is something that what's something new that you're learning? It can be work-related, it could be fun-related, anything new that you're learning.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:47

Uh, self-development is projection and how I see my experiences and how I perceive others' experiences through my filter. And I think that's a good one because of what we talked about already.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:01

Yes, that is a good one. And then we've already touched on this a little bit. So um, I'll give you a pass, but if there's anything you want to add to this, what is something that you are unlearning at this moment? Projection.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:22

Um, I think that, and just um I think uh is this unlearning feeling that the world is a very safe place. That might be like both like the first and second question, sort of, because there's different ways to learn that.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:38

So yeah, yeah, there is. Okay, okay, I like it. And then um, you know, there's a lot of talk right now about like living your best life, your best life. What does that mean to you? Like, what does that look like for you, Becca Star?

SPEAKER_02 1:05:55

I believe today and probably. 20 years ago. So it's pretty consistent. It's not like on trend. It is what it is to be congruent with who I really am and showing up in every single conversation, situation being me and being okay with that. And I just think it's congruency. Like really, I have to know my values and my personality, my style, like the things you know that are part of your own, you know, awesomeness and not awesomeness and just being okay with that and just being honest and vulnerable. But that's congruency. Like that is being fully who I am with no apologies, you know, that whole sorry, not sorry. I just feel like that was something like that's not a hashtag. Like that's the way, like, truly, like that's the way we show up with others and in our life. Like, because who I am is a compassionate, empathetic person. And it's also all these other things. So I don't have to fear like stepping on people's toes. It's like I get to be who I am. And it's shown up in my marriage, in my soulmate, in my children. I can see the, you know, the proof of of how like I believe it was a decision I made years ago, but it is nice to see like the hashtags and you know, all of it, because like it's you know, probably years ago, like Oprah on at four o'clock in the afternoon. You were saying all that. That's probably what planted all the seeds for me.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:38

Oh, so true. So true. And then last one, we love books around here. So, what is a personal development book, business book, just book that you're reading that you've gotten so much out of in the past that you would recommend to this, to these listeners?

SPEAKER_02 1:07:55

Sure. I love, I probably have it like super close by, but Don Don Miguel Ruiz, the four agreements. And it's just all the stuff I teach. Like I could read that book. This is probably at least the sixth time, but it is always something new that I write down or I highlight. Like I know it's like it's been there the whole time, but it stands out as something I need to read again or I need to hear today. And so that's just such a staple. And there are so many great new books, but and I've actually just ordered in the last like month, like three new books that I've ordered. But that one, I just I love that book, it's got so much value in it.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:37

Yeah, I've I've heard of that one in the past, and I finally got it, I think last year during COVID. And I was like, Oh, I get why everybody has been talking about because I'm like, uh, like it tells what the four agreements are and the and like the the the back of it. And I was like, okay, got it, these four things, but then it's like so much more.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:55

So when you read it, it's like agreement number two, I think, is don't take anything personally, and it's just when you read it, the way that he's able to help you see it in different parts of your life and give you permission, like everything we're talking about, just give you permission to be yourself and stop like letting other people's stories be like what how you make decisions or how you act. So it's true, like personal power. It's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:27

It is, it is amazing. I'll attest to that. So, um, well, Becca, thanks so much. It was selfishly, I loved this conversation. I know the listeners will too. So thank you for being here. Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing about your own journey and your own stories and all the work that you're doing. Um, anything else you want to share with the audience, the listeners, to call this episode complete.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:50

I want to thank everybody that has stayed through this whole episode listening to our conversation. I really, really want to thank you. I love everything you do and just you're so generous and amazing. Like your insights and everything you do has been such a gift in my life. So thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:08

Yeah. Well, Ditto Lady, thank you for being here and uh cheers to living our best life and and living it intentionally.